March 3, 2023

In the fall of 2022, I met someone online and I attempted to open myself up to be with him, when it comes to me and being in a relationship, I don’t ever give it a real chance and I call it quits before it ever develops into anything, so I thought I needed to try harder – especially with the horrible relationship that I have with my family, more so, my so-called mother and sister, and some so-called friends nearly six years ago, they all tried to ruin me on social media.  I was complete shocked by my mother getting involved, but then again, I am not sure why I was shocked as over the past few years my family dynamic was not always the best with both her nor my sister, they decided that they would talk derogatory about me and try to ruin my reputation to anyone who would listen about the fact that I allegedly took money from my grandmother prior to her passing, when in fact it was gifted to me, while in fact she was doing the exact thing which she accused me of to my grandmother, her own mother while she was alive. Talk about deflecting… 

When my grandmother passed away, my mother had several thousands of her dollars hidden in her home, then proceeded to blame me for taking it when in fact it was gifted to me years before her passing. When my grandmother passed away, my mother proceeded to buy her and her boyfriend a new truck, move into a new apartment (bigger and more expensive), then gave all of her brothers and sisters money from the wealth that she had hidden in home from her mother, not to mention whatever else she needed during the time she overseen my grandmother’s money for the years leading up to her passing.  Then proceeded to go to social media (while having me blocked - so that I could not see) and have a conversation with her daughter, her daughter's then boyfriend, including her own boyfriend about how I took money and, how much of a liar I was.  Luckily enough, I have friends and family who tagged me in the posts and had my back by commented on my behalf during the entire social media degrading session.  The actions and behaviours of my so-called mother and sister were horrible and despicable and because of everything that went down when my grandmother passed, horrible decisions were made by my so-called mother, I closed myself off, decided that I needed to block out the negativity and remove anyone we had in common from social media, but because of these traumatic events, I did not associate with a lot of individuals and threw myself into my work and only my work.  Building or retaining relationships at this time was not something I considered since they had decided to through me under the proverbial bus. 

So, six years later after healing from these tragic events, I decide it was time to open myself up again, I met a guy who I had doubts about from the first few dates, but instead of throwing this person back in the pond, I decided to give it ago, and I overlooked things said and done by this person unlike what I would have done in the past.  We hung out, he visited a lot, and we had great times for a few months, however, there were times that the drinking became too much, but again, I rolled with the punches thinking things could and would change.  Then after a few months of testing the waters, I decided that his toxic behaviours and narcissist personality was not for me, and I ended the relationship.  Even though I ended the relationship, it felt nice putting myself out there again.

I mention this because the relationships that we have with immediate family, potential partners, and the relationships we build with friends, we want to be identical, we want everyone in our immediate circle to love us, to be loyal, and to want the best for us.  However, when this does not happen, and your gut tells you otherwise you tend to put walls up.

These walls usually come from emotional neglect, shitty behaviours, and you not wanting to deal with the person or situation anymore.  I know for me; this was definitely the case.  When it comes to your immediate family you fight, argue or when things go south, you want or expect things to work their way out and eventually things get better because you want to keep the relationships forged with your family to be the way there initially were, but when it happens over and over again, you tire of it. 

You tire of the neglect, the abuse, and being the proverbial punching bag all of your life, this was a lot of the reasons why when I graduated from high school in the late ninety’s, I knew that leaving my hometown was going to be my only escape from this toxicity.  If I had one regret, it would be not bringing my grandmother along with me, as she was the only person in my family who had my back 100%.  I think because of my relationship with my grandmother from a very young age, my mother was jealous of our relationship that I had with my grandmother, which I believe is what lead to the way my mother treated me my entire life.  She treated me like shit, she abused me, treated me like her slave, and when she did show me any type of affection it was to do something for her.  I guess I never real ever thought that my mother, the person who is supposed to love me unconditionally could be so abusive, or jealous of your relationship with your grandmother but thinking back on her actions, her behaviours and how she spoke to me over the years, it all makes sense now.  She was and is a very toxic individual, since my grandmother passing, she has become even more toxic than before.

When I confronted my mother for all the bullshit she spoke and spewed about me on social media, I mentioned the jealousy she had of me and her mother, then being the narcissist that she is, she tied to spin that I was jealous of my sister for the relationship that they had. 

Thinking back throughout my forty years on this earth, the first eighteen were the hardest and toughest. I recall reading something about 7 signs that you experienced emotional neglect in your childhood.  After reading the 7 signs, it was like these signs were created especially for me. They consist of: 

  • being a caretaker - because in childhood you probably learned that your emotions don’t matter but everyone else does.
  • being an overachiever or a perfectionist because in childhood you learned that validation equals love when you did something good.
  • difficulty expressing your emotions because in childhood you weren’t given the opportunity to practice. 

which leads to #4…

  • pushing people away or isolating when you have uncomfortable emotions. 
  • lashing out or snapping because you don’t know how to regulate your emotions. 
  • neglecting your own self needs or boundaries because neglecting childhood taught you that your needs and boundaries don’t matter.
  • being a mediator or fixing other people’s issues or problems because you were taught to believe that yours don’t matter.

I guess, I cannot just say that my mother was the only one at fault for the all the abuse and toxic behaviours, even though my father rarely abused me, he also did not stop the abuse that happened because of my mother. It's kind of hard to pinpoint exactly the event that strained my relationship with my father throughout my childhood and my teen years we've had a hard time connecting - family relationships are complicated. It's not that I don't think he wanted to try, I just think that he was apprehensive about the relationship we currently had, whether it be because I was not the son he wanted, as he already had a son, his first-born son, my older brother.  My brother was stronger than I, had a better relationship with my father, was the son that every father would want. Unlike me, I was the weaker, when being bullied or made fun of, I would come and cry to my parents, instead of doing what my older brother would do, he would double up his fists and bully or resolve any issues that came about. Or it could be because of the way I acted, I did not fit into the cookie cutter mold of how a boy should act, I had no idea how to act it’s not as though I had anyone teaching or showing me the way... I don't really know, but I do wish that we had a stronger bond.  

After my father and mother separated when I was in high school, he rekindled with an ex of his and even though he was devastated that my mother cheated on him and then later divorced him, his new girlfriend and he got along very well, she absolutely loved me, however, years later she passed away due to cancer.  When this happened, I put my life on hold and stayed with my father for weeks to console him and to be there for him even though I lived far away from him, even though he had two other children who lived less than 5 minutes away, they were nowhere to be seen.  They did not come to visit or console him for months later.  Then approximately six months or so, he met and then later married another, today, I believe that our relationship is strained because of his current wife.